It’s been a while.
A lot has happened as I’m sure you can imagine. That old/new beau? Not around anymore. I moved back to PDX. After driving cross-country. I’ve been here since October and just now feel like I am getting legs. And now, I am gearing up to spend nine days with my family on the East Coast. We are welcoming a new family member.
It’s Christmas Eve. 2018. This year has been a wild ride. Holy shit. I could have never predicted what took place. I knew the grief and pain were coming for a long time and I tried to hold it off for as long as I could. I couldn’t do it anymore. I had to face the inevitable and it was devastating and heartbreaking and I couldn’t understand what went wrong …
That said, I owned my piece. My pieces. And I am still coming into my full role in how the relationship spun out. I’m talking about my big relationship, my most recent, long-term one. Not the one I had this summer. The way I feel about that person – she’s a creep and I don’t want anything to do with her.
I’m not usually that blunt about other people that way. Or maybe I am. Ask the people who know me the best. But I am forthcoming with this one because I almost went down a very dangerous path, and it would not have been a good choice. Luckily, she broke up with me via text message (!) so it didn’t really matter.
I am over people. I mean, let me be clear: I love people. I like relationships and I like having fun and I like having friends and family. I do. But I am over people who have no time for anything but themselves or their personal agenda. People are busy, I get it. But people are walking messes, time bombs and energy vampires. I don’t have time for it. I’m going to start charging you.
Needless to say, I’ve been enjoying solitude. I need to be alone. I can’t be on anyone else’s schedule or get caught up in any sort of codependent jam. Fuck that shit. Writing, walking my dog and staying up to date on client work are my priorities now. Could I stand to meet a cute hottie? Sure. But I’m not spinning around in circles to go on a date.
I think it will happen naturally. When I start leaving the house more and go to things around town. I will find people.
I’ve been writing a ton. Not on this blog. But privately. It’s been good for me. So good.
I live in a tree house (seriously 50 outside steps up to my condo), it’s private and quiet, yet there are people around. I have been absolutely loving solitude. I get lonely sometimes. But mostly I just enjoy it. My stuff. My space. My time. My sanctuary. I also just can’t have anyone up here. Lou needs to warm up to people and can really go either way when she meets someone. So there’s that.
I’m looking forward to the new year with cautious optimism. I am practicing radical faith. I believe something huge is coming in. There have so many changes in my life, so many challenges, so much angst and I’ve had to step into all of it. And I did. I’m here. I am coming through the other side. By myself. Free. And that is exactly where I need to be.
My intention is to follow through on the belief that the answers live in the writing. So here we are.
Here’s to slowing down and finding our light in darkness. Here’s to being back.