Will You Please Change the Fucking Roll of Toilet Paper? (An Ode to 2016)

Listen, I know you work hard.

I know it seems like I sit around all day in my leopard print leggings and various sweaters drinking mugs of coffee and occasionally smoking pot.

I am.

But I’m also working.

Writing and editing for clients, sending off messages, updating agreements, sending out invoices, reading various “everyone’s an expert and consultant” email newsletters. Then I have to take the dog out and do the dishes because I hate seeing them in the sink and you make me a kale, almond milk, and banana smoothie every morning so I feel like it’s only fair. Then I have interviews and the occasional phone call and calming the dog down when she spooks herself out from the voices in the hall. I’m here. You’re out there. Yet, I really feel like you are up to the task.

Seriously, how often do I need to go into the bathroom to see just a few sheets left on the toilet paper roll?

It seems like a lot.

I mean I know I am generous with the toilet paper when it comes to my own ass and I know you are too though we differ on the type of toilet paper, I prefer soft and fluffy, while your preferred brand is Trader Joe’s, which is kind of on the rough side.

I see this as the same as leaving a “Swallow left in the container” which is some quote my brother used to embellish from an old Eddie Murphy movie when there’s just a sip of orange juice left in the bottle. I mean, the comedian was right. What are you going to do with that?

As I sit here contemplating whether I can actually use what is left and how much energy it will take me to lean over, open the cupboard under the sink and grab another roll, tabulating how many days we have left with our current supply, I groan my bullish groan. I swear at you under my breath, knowing full well that we will go head to head in this conversation if I bring it up again, because you know, you DO change the roll. A lot.

Then I just find the empty roll on the little white wood shelf, covering our meditation books. Which means I have to remember to take it out of the bathroom. Sometimes I wait for days out of defiance and to see if you will actually do it. You don’t. Do you not see it?

I guess we’ll just have to disagree. But all I know is, I’m finding myself in the position a lot and I know we’re not going through that much toilet paper for both of us to say we’re changing it as frequently as we say we are.

But if I ever get to that point where I scream from the bathroom “What the fuck is the issue here?”

You’ll know why. 

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