SATC Kinda Sucks

If you don’t want to know what happens don’t read further.
I’ll be the first to admit, I am addicted to this show. I didn’t have HBO when it was on (still don’t but that’s beside the point) but rented the seasons on DVDs and just spent hours on end, in bed, watching the episodes (hey, I had a sexy girlfriend at that time, ya know, with usually a Michelob Light and some gossip mag thrown in for good measure)…I knew where the show left off, I saw it all go down, and yes, was invested (as I still am) in the characters.
But ding dang! The movie. It’s been a mind fuck for me all day.
See, Big and Carrie are in bliss, in love, happy, yada yada yada. They decide to buy this swank pad (well, he buys it, cause he got the bling), he casually asks her to marry him, matter of factly, over chopping some sort of dinner ingredient. She agrees. He builds her a dank walk-in closet, in which she puts some fancy $525 shoes in to make it hers.
Then she starts planning for the wedding.
Writer socialite that she is, she’s in Page Six, got a Vivienne Westwood original design as a dress, a spread in Vogue, and Big is kinda freaking. The guy has commitment issues anyway, add to the mix that it is his third wedding and we know any minute the dude’s gonna bail and leave Carrie, our Carrie, FUCKED.
Meanwhile, her ladies all got their own schtick going on. Charlotte adopted a cute Chinese baby she names Lily. Original, no? Samantha is with her model boy toy, living in a phatty LA beach house and totally unhappily domesticated. And Miranda is stressed out but bored living in Brooklyn with Steve and her young’n Brady. When she finds out Steve-o has a one-nighter cause they haven’t been rolling around for awhile, she gets pissy and moves out. Fun times!
So… the wedding. We know what’s going to happen. Big calls her the night before kind of freaking out and Carrie, blissed out with her girlfriends all giggly and shit, has to talk him down off a cliff. “Yes baby, it’s just us, me and you.” Not a direct quote, but you catch my drift.
The next morning, she’s all dolled up in Couture with a blue bird feather on the side of her head and some very depressing, dark music is playing as she heads to the ceremony. Hey now, Mr Scorer, coulda make it anymore obvious?! Big has been trying to call her, but Lily conveniently scoops up Carrie’s cell phone so it’s oblivious to her he’s gonna bail. It’s only until they arrive 25 minutes late to the New York Public Library (yep, that’s where it is folks, hosting 200 peeps) and they realize he hasn’t shown up that they decide to call the fuck, who just pulled away from the curb of the place. She calls him, he tells her he can’t go through with it, she has a very composed meltdown. Friends take her away. Samantha deals with the guests. He realizes he freaked, tells driver to turn around. Their limos pass on the street. He calls her name. She gets out of the car. Bashes him with hundreds of dollars of flowers. She is dejected and humiliated. He, hated by all in the theater.
Oh G-d. Must I go on?
She spends a good portion of the movie reeling from this. The girls take her to Mexico, where she was supposed to go with Big on her honeymoon. She spends DAYS in bed, sleeping. She is so sad, so depressed, so in denial, so unwilling to deal. It’s not until Charlotte, who has been eating pudding the whole time on the trip for fear of getting sick from the food, unintentionally swallows water in the shower, gets the stomach gurgles and shits in her pants, that Carrie starts laughing again.
So, she rebuilds her life. She hires Jennifer Hudson as her assistant (who is adorable) and she gets her shit in order. Aside from this, Samantha is hilarious with her one liners. Miranda has a sour attitude and Charlotte, well, she’s just blah. I went with a coupla older ladies who thought the film was racy, which is laughable, because the sex scenes they did include just seemed to be added to remind us, hey, this is Sex And The City, and not some depressing dramedy we’re watching on Lifetime.
To conclude (because you know what, I’m boring myself even writing about this) Miranda tells Carrie that after an interaction with Steve at the rehearsal dinner, she told Big that “you guys are crazy to get married, it ruins everything” which creates a beef between them for like three days, Charlotte gets pregnant, and Samantha has the hots for some neighbor dude who is having sex everywhere she can see and propositioning her at the same time.
But the real douzy is this. Charlotte goes in for lunch at some upscale joint when she is a week away from her due date, sees Big (who she has been fantasizing about giving the riot act to) and tries to run out without being seen. Big, of course, sees her, follows her out and then guess what, people?
Her water breaks! oy veh!
He drives her to the hospital, she has her daughter and then Carrie comes. Big has by this time left. Charlotte’s husband (what’s his name, Harry?) tells Carrie that Big’s been trying to get in touch with her by writing and that she should call HIM, because he hasn’t been able to call HER since she threw her cell phone into the ocean in Mexico after finally listening to his wedding day voice mails.
Oh shiz. Here we go.
Now she’s got a 347 number. Poor broad.
So … really, I am going to conclude with the summary here: Steve and Miranda go to counseling, meet up on the Brooklyn Bridge after two weeks without speaking (suggested by the therapist, aka if both show up at designated spot, they agree the past is forgotten) and decide to go at it again. They are now googly-eyed. Samantha leaves Smith Jerrod (or whatever his name is) because she’s too hot to trot to be preparing meals for an over-highlighted model. Jennifer Hudson, er, um, Louise ends up getting engaged to her college sweetheart who told her he didn’t think she was the one, and goes back to St. Louis but leaves a bunch of mail for Carrie to open.
And then Carrie.
Our Carrie then realizes all the letters are via email and doesn’t know the password to Louise’s folder, but then the LOVE keychain that Louise always carried around and gave her before she left fell off her desk. Lightbulb moment! And there they are, all the love letters Big could never write and still can’t, poems by various old dead white dudes all lined up in her inbox. (See, that’s why she wanted to get married in the library, so she could be around all the great writers with great love stories.)
He’s sorry. He fucked up.
(the fact that I personally identify with Mr. Big is beside the point and another story for another time)…
And yep, it just so happens to be the last day, down to the last hour, to go get those shoes from that dank walk-in closet because the new owners are changing the locks or some shit. So she books it uptown. And guess who’s there? Guess! Come on!
Fucking BIG!
He was going to get the shoes to her somehow.
She RUNS towards him, not before a dramatic pause. They embrace. They lay on the carpet admiring the closet. He gets down on one knee. He proposes. He puts the shoe on her FOOT cause he doesn’t have a proper diamond. I am holding my head at this point.
Kill me now.
She wears the suit she originally knew she should wear to marry Big before she got “Carried Away.”
Oh G-d.
It’s just the two of them in the courthouse. But it would have been nice to have the girls there, no?
That’s why he called them! They are right outside! OMG!
They go to Denny’s. Cause it’s love that matters, right?
The end.

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