I often have a ton of self-judgment floating around in my head on any given day, so sometimes it makes it hard to move forward. Perfectionism paralyzes me.
The reality is, I’m fine where I am.
It’s hard because I look around and see other entrepreneurs, other activists, other women, looking so more put together, graceful, confident and free. And I want that. And I feel like I am so far off.
I know these blogs must feel like such a downer. I want to say sorry, but I warned you. I told you this was going to be a work in progress and that you were coming along for the ride!
Today I am working from Cup & Saucer on Hawthorne, my favorite Thursday haunt. It’s V’s day off and he gets the house to himself. It’s rare that he has that. I like this place because they play funky music, it’s never crowded and I can sit there for hours eating my Lucky Scramble. Pretty cool. And it’s nice to get out of the house. I am thinking I need more stimulation from other people during the day, to be out of the house where I feel so much responsibility and burrowed away.
Showing up means coming to this every day and exposing myself. I used to write. I used to write a lot. I used to enjoy it and liked playing with words. The last several years I’ve lost my voice in this way. It feels clunky and censored. I am actively playing with how I can change this. Notice I didn’t say “working” – that’s a suggestion from my therapist, ha.
I got some headshots done and they were hard to look at. My photographerwww.PashaXposeU.com, was awesome. I loved her. She made me feel so comfortable and like I had star quality. The evidence is in my facial expressions!
Did I make the best clothing choices in the photos? Eh. Probably not.
Am I continuously awkward at this public persona thing, but do I have things that I want to offer to the world? Yes.
Will I ever get “headshots” again? No.
Was it worth it? Yes.
Am I gonna explore the discomfort I feel because I don’t like the way those photos look? It’s pretty deep within me. What does it mean when you can’t even look at yourself in a picture?
These are the things that I am thinking about. I guess it’s OK to write about it here.