Post #11: Not the cool kid

Don’cha just love FB?

The thing is, I always thought I was cool.

I was scrolling through my feed yesterday and I saw an old photo of a group of people that put a chill down my spine.

It was some of the popular kids in my high school, all dressed up for the senior prom. It was 1994. 

Maybe I didn’t get a chill, but still. It struck me and since a lot of childhood memories are coming up for me, it immediately made me feel how I used to feel back then – inferior and intimidated.

I couldn’t imagine what those people were thinking about at that time. Like what was going through their minds? Sex probably. Partying. Scoring in whatever sports team they were active in at the time. 

And then I thought, what the hell was I thinking about at 17? Mostly, I was into this song. 

But probably it was about how I didn’t fit in. Probably about my thighs. Probably about who was I going to get to go to the prom with me? 

It seems really sad, looking back now. But honestly, I have no idea what was important to me back then. Just when I looked at that photo, I know that I have been sensitive with feeling like an outcast or not being good or cool enough to be part of a popular kid group. I definitely didn’t look like those kids. I had no confidence. I didn’t really know how to be in the world. Or stand tall for anything in particular, much less myself.

It’s kind of amazing what can be triggered just by looking at a photo. Many of us struggle with not being cool. Or being part of a popular group. But the brilliant thing is, we’re adults now. Life moves in different directions. Those initial imprints can dissolve into thin air. 

This is what I know now. 

xo

 

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