Archive for December, 2009

Femmz

December 31st, 2009 | Liz Gold

Currently I’m getting music together for the Femme Family NYC party tonight. I’m assuming I won’t really need it, as I’m sure the ladies have it covered, but one can never be sure … especially since I’ve offered to (wo)man the music station.

I was telling Wendy yesterday that I hope it’s not a repeat of when I tried to DJ that Jewcy Retreat back in ’02. I brought my stereo and thought I’d play music and call it good, forgetting all these people were from the city, yo. And I was just a girl from Maine with a bit of bravado and naive talent.

Anyway.

It won’t happen tonight. I’ve got some Steph mixes on back up, I’ve put together a good playlist and have some JD mixes to add in there too. Should be all set. The key is to just RELAXXX and have fun and enjoy the music. Cause the shit is hella good and if they don’t like it, well, don’t know if we can secure our relationship …cause it’s the best I’ve got.

So funny how I get nervous around girls. I think it’s because cliques really scare me, even though I’ve wanted to run with the Pink Ladies my whole life. Ha …

So I’ve got a couple of leopard print numbers I could go with or this HOT classy looking dress and just accessorize. No, I’m gonna save that for Captain when he gets to pick me up from work. It’s snowing so I’m gonna have to wear rubbers in so I think I’m going for cute n sassy n foxy rather than highfatuting glam. But we’ll see.

Here’s to getting out there! xo

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No pressure but …

December 26th, 2009 | Liz Gold

I’ve got a zillion things going through my mind.
My jaw is sore from overanalyzing and anxiety.

I’ve had two days off and I realize I feel a bit frantic to figure things out,
in terms of what I’m doing with my energy and time. I feel like by now I should have had it together better. Have done something brilliant already. Have a better idea of how I want to live my life, the people in it, what I want to be doing and where I want to be.

Sure, I know some of these things. I’ve discovered a lot here since moving.
But I feel like I’ve been all talk and no action. Or let me edit that, I know what I want but it seems like I’m mountains of way from actually living it.

I realize this is probably not true. I did get myself here, sustained an apartment by myself for two and a half years on my shitty salary and have been able to put up with the bull shit of working a corporate day job. Blah blah blah. I’ve also healed from a devastating relationship(s), transformed my body and started to explore BDSM. I have done everything I set out to do in that regard.

So when you think about it, I’ve moved and changed things up a lot. And I’m not that far away from accomplishing more. I just need a swift kick in the ass towards focus. That’s all. And to rethink time management.

I’m my own worse critic. I fear that I think I’m smarter than I actually am.
Now it seems, however, I am entering a new phase. I’ve been so clogged up artistically and it’s weird because I don’t even really know what I should be creating. So that leaves me sort of blind, trying to figure out how and what to try … I guess, as I write this, this is my permission to explore and get my hands dirty so to speak … but I think I’m kind of scared of that. Or maybe I’m just lazy. Like Steph always said … She had a way of conveying truth.

I know I can get things done and I know I do get things done and I’m a slow and steady wins the race kind of girl … but I feel that my window of opportunity and gust of greatness is closing and thinning out, not because I’m getting older, but because I’m getting more complacent. I’m settled into something that I’m afraid to move around in and change things and take up more space. Why not. Well, it makes me shake because I was trained not to.

Except well, I did talk to my boss about working from home 5 days a month and I did come out to him. Yeah, so it took me three years of being miserable. I finally did do it, and it was not only for my sake, but for the sake of all around me because I was becoming a total lifeless drone. We’ll see if that helps or not, if it stretches my stay. They key is to use the time as I want, reorganize my work so I can do it in four days (which I can) and just do social networking stuff from my home, which will be proof that I am actually doing something there. Easy, and it will just improve what I’m doing since I’m barely doing it now.

I revised a to do list and some basic things that I want to accomplish over the next few months … I really need, for the sake of my trust in myself, to make them happen and accept where I am right now in my life. Where else did I think I’d be? I think more fulfilled in my day’s work and artistically blooming. Romantically things are going well and I’m exploring in that area as I’ve always wanted. Are we only supposed to thrive at one thing at a time? I don’t think so… but maybe for a while at first?

Meanwhile, I am fighting pangs of guilt because my brother is (finally) moving to Connecticut today. After a party, a postponed party and a happy hour he is making his way to Derby. My parents followed him down today to help him move in. Last night my folks asked me if I wanted to take the train up and meet them and stay over in their hotel for the night. My stomach sank. No, not really. I told them I’d let them know.

They called me later in the evening to follow up. I called them back this morning when I woke up. They were already on the road and assumed I wasn’t coming. They understood. “At least we got to catch up by phone,” my mom said.

GUILT. I didn’t want to go. The thought made me want to stay in bed, under my covers. That can’t be good. It’s like I’m finally unwinding from them and all that they taught me and all that never fit. I have to sift through it all and decide what to keep of my conditioning. It’s a mind fuck.

But I’m so glad I decided to stay home. I worked out in my building’s gym and that felt good because I had done it yesterday too. If I could get up at a decent time and straight up run for a half hour before work, that just might do me a world of good.

*********************

Currently I am making a mix called Sweet beats…

I realize these posts are just me ranting, it’s like my diary, which is not what was intended upon it’s creation. Lately I’ve been wanting to save all the blog posts somewhere and then delete them all to start fresh. I like the concept of 14 Karat Living, but what it is really? What is it about my life that is compelling for people to read? Is it my insight? The way I put words together (because I am no literary wordsmith or academic mind that’s for sure)? Or is just what I’m doing and the good trouble I find … I’m curious…

So if you read this, let me know why you read this. Please?

Until next time,
LG

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Gratitude v. 2009

December 3rd, 2009 | Liz Gold

Hi.
Can’t take credit for the cuteness factor of the headline, I swiped the idea off of this girl Kathleen’s blog. I used to work with her back in my Mainely Newspaper days. We’re both Tauruses. Except she’s Christian, married and has a toddler. I barely keep in touch with her anymore, but yeah, I read her blog.

The point is, HELLO GRATITUDE. How are ya? I’ve been in a piss poor PMS state of funk for the last week or so and just fucking miserable. Poor Captain. She’s been going through major life changes and I’ve been bitching about … wait, what have I been bitching about?

So today I got a few signs. I picked up my check from that cleaning gig in October and Joanne of MAGIC, PASSION, LOVE! reminded me that she makes gratitude lists when things get tough and you want to throw a tantrum. I was like, oh yeah, gratitude lists, I’ve heard that tactic before, isn’t that what Stephanie used to tell me to do ALL THE TIME? The other sign? Well, I’ve been devoid of any creative activity and that’s probably why I’m so tired and drained. So I get a random call from Mindwrecker, a DJ friend of mine from Maine who now lives in sunny Florida. He’s asking me on my VM how I am, am I still scratching (vinyl) and blogging? Gulp. No, but I’m surfing a lot of Facebook! I’m visiting the Coop for my fancy mineral water! I’m … well, what the hell am I doing?

Anyway, I’ve bitched about this before. So without further ado, my gratitude list of the past year and beyond …

I’m grateful that I have all my teeth. (I was talking to a homeless person yesterday and believe me, this is FOR REAL).
I’m grateful that I have the confidence to work out in the weight room with the dudes. Douchebags that they are.
I’m grateful that my boss encourages me to work out and that he does attempt to give a shit about my life, even though it’s annoying to answer his questions, it’s better than him not giving a shit.
I’m grateful that I have a family that wants to help me and is supportive for the most part.
I’m grateful for heat and a hot shower and fancy mineral water and Ezekial granola. And chocolate.
I’m grateful that my roommates are fairly normal and we like each other.
I’m grateful for the random smile on the subway.
I’m grateful that I have pretty good hair, even though I hardly brush it.
I’m grateful that I get noticed for my work, even if it’s not work I want to be doing.
I’m grateful for my working laptop and my new iPhone and my new cute camera.
I’m grateful that I’ve been able to sustain myself here in New York for three years.
I’m grateful for warm days in December.
I’m grateful that I have a multiple day vacation to look forward to with Captain in a matter of days.
I’m grateful for dogs on the street.
I’m grateful for my bed and my blankets and my Wahl vibrator!
I’m grateful for new opportunities that come my way and random calls like from hot Anne asking me to come to her dance party … in Maine.
I’m grateful for long nights out dancing just when I think I’m going to lose my mind.
I’m grateful for my gym, even if is corporate and filled with douchebag executives. I’m grateful for the sauna and the steam room and that I can leave the cube for an hour and a half every day.
I’m grateful for good friends who listen to me and think I’m funny and brave and hot.
I’m grateful for the ability to type and write.
I’m grateful for a blog by Stephanie Nienie, a mother of four who is living with burns on 83 percent of her body. She’s religious and is followed by many Oprah lovers but I secretly read it everyday because she inspires me.
I’m grateful that I’m not your typical nice Jewish girl.
I’m grateful for music that takes me to another place and time.

and

I’m grateful for love. How it entered my life, how it remains in my life, how it lifts my life. I’m grateful for it in all its various forms. I’m grateful for hot sex, intimacy and waves of emotion even if sometimes it feels overwhelming.
I’m grateful for the people who are no longer in my life anymore, the ones who I have loved and learned from, who’s lessons have lingered in my heart and mind.

I’m grateful for the chance to pull myself out of this rat race I’ve been living.
I’m grateful for tackling fear and knowing I have to take risks – physical, sexual and emotional risks.
I’m grateful for having the will and desire to figure it out, knowing it won’t be all figured out in this lifetime.
I’m grateful for being grateful.

It feels good.

xxx

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