14 KARAT LIVING

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Water on the subway

November 29th, 2006 | Liz Gold

Today was my first day of work officially. I rewrote a brief on an audit committee report. I was taken out to sushi by my boss who likes to talk about the doings in Las Vegas during business trips. He reminds me of my old editor. He wears cowboy boots and eats sashimi. I think things are going to work out fine.
I have my own section of a cubicle. It overlooks the Hudson River. It makes me gasp.
I can be so down home.
Tonight I went to a celebration after hours party. My uncle, an owner of a major advertising agency in NY was honoring his 61st year in the business. I was 45 minutes late because I took the subway to the wrong place. When I got there, I ate prime rib and drank four glasses of red wine, talking to my long lost cousin. On the cab ride over, everything I have been freaking out about, and doubting all seemed to make sense…
Change is always what I crave, but never what I can handle…so here I am in Sunset Park, in this huge apartment, wondering if it will ever feel like home. I guess, that is really up to me…the subway was empty this evening, and I am holding a vase full of flowers from my happy hour party. Lost in thoughts, I unknowingly drip water from the vase all over subway floor, leaving a trail…I didn’t even realize until a young kid (younger than me) asks if i am responsible. I can only answer with a genuine smile…I guess I am…

Waitress rant

October 6th, 2006 | Liz Gold

Those who know me, know that my stint at the restaurant has been both liberating and humbling, gratifying and grueling. That being said, here is a list of things that make me want to throttle customers on a daily basis.
***People who come to the sushi restaurant with an allergy to fish and then proceed to go through the whole menu asking about appropriate items for eatage.
***Those who come in at our closing time on the dot and then have no clue what is happening even when we have to ask them to leave, 45 minutes later.
*** Payage with multiple credit cards. Adults go to the ATM. Do you really need to split a $24 bill three ways? And by card, no less?
*** Asking a table if they want a drink and 2/3 of your party says yes. So you get the drinks. Then you go back and the weakest link says “oh you know, I’d like a Mai Tai.” This of course always happens when you are slammed and have to make the most complicated of drinks, have two tables you haven’t been to yet and your orders are up at the sushi bar and in the kitchen. Not to mention, your boss is directing you to bus a table that isn’t even yours.
*** Business people who blatantly ignore you while they lunch. This one makes my blood boil. I know what it’s like to be a lady who lunches. Ties do not need to talk over you, avoid your questioning or avoid communicating with you to have a pleasant lunching experience.

I guess that’s it. for now. Thanks for reading

Breaking through, forging forward

October 5th, 2006 | Liz Gold

SO I’ve been in this emotional space that I can’t quite categorifically identify. I’ve felt sadness, guilt, shame (at my more present behaviors than past) and yearning. I’ve been heavy, yo, sleeping more than necessary, avoiding going outside of my apartment and a little fearful of giving up my space and job and eventually my wheels. But I’m realizing it’s all good. I woke up this morning and realized I dreamt about other women, an old friend and love. Strange shit, but it was different, nonetheless. An editor and a friend of a friend at the AP offered to talk to me about a job opening. My Super raised his eyebrows at my mention of selling my car and expressed interest. And an old writer from the Casco Bay Weekly let me know he has room in his house where I can stash my stuff. These are gifts of generosity telling me I’m on the right thread. Last night a friend told me I was being indulgent and not being productive with my feelings. I was pouty at first, but she’s right. I needed a jolt, a swift kick in the ass. I’m heading on my ultimate adventure. I’m footloose and fancy free. And I have to trust that shit will play out like it will. It always does. in the meantime, I’m working on sucking down a Wet Willie’s Attitude Adjustment. Because sucking a lemon is so freakin’ dusty…

Precision

October 4th, 2006 | Liz Gold

Sometime long ago, somebody close to me said I need to live my life with more precision. She also said I had a hard time letting go. I realize, she’s right on both observations. Maybe it’s the cooler air and the leaves tumbling on the ground, maybe it’s my recent binge drinking escapades, maybe it’s the constant advice I’m giving a lost friend, but I’m lacking two things I need: faith and energy.
I had plenty of it a short while ago. nothing could stop me. The spirit was kicking and I was forced to move to it. But now my emotions are bubbling up at random times: fifteen minutes before I have to go to work to have a crying moment is not convenient. It’s not convenient that I have woken up every morning for the past two weeks sad and disoriented from dreaming about someone still close to me. It’s not convenient that though I was offered a reporting job in Brooklyn, it wasn’t enough pay for the amount of work expected so I declined. Thus, the binge partying. I can go out and distract myself from the work I really need to do, but it just prolongs the inevitable. The feelings are necessary.
I’m at the good part. Notice on both my apartment and job: done. Cleaning out my apartment should be a enjoyable process. Not something I should avoid or freak out about. Because where I’m going is where I want to be. I just need more time of solitude and less time running away from emotions I know I need to feel. Apparently, I’m resisting the change I worked so hard to usher in. Because I know, going to NY means making a commitment to myself, it means making a commitment to my writing and a commitment to my art, the art of living in a way I have always envisioned. It’s hard not to feel just a little intimidated at the unknown but strangely familiar.
But that’s the real world. In my dream world, in my world of silent knowledge and intuition, this is something I have been preparing for since I was a kid. This is the time for the move, even though I have no idea what the hell is going to happen. On some level, it doesn’t even matter. Because whatever happens will blow my mind. Sometimes you just know what you’re supposed to be doing, although you really have no idea what you’re supposed to be doing.
It’s craziness.
All I know is that it’s time to RELAX. SMOKE. and go through my stuff. I’m going to give away a shitload. Cause my belongings have to be the best to make the NY cut.

In a drunken glory

September 30th, 2006 | Liz Gold

I’m not one to really go out and get wasted. And to be honest, I get bored when people talk about how fucked up they got one night and blah blah blah. But last night I really did it. And I did it good.
The girls at the restaurant are crazy. Two in particular. And we started after work telling war stories about the joint. I was squigging off of a whiskey bottle, drinking some sort of beer and had a pinch of moonshine. And that was before the bar.
So we go to the bar. And mind you, my cockiness is probably due to the fact that I need to blow off steam and I’m wearing a (shit, I’m cringing as I write this) wife beater and a neck tie I picked up in NY. And when I dress all butch, I act brazen in my femme sort of way (I mean really, how aesthetically butch can I be when I’m going braless?). I was feeling good, with my restaurant ladies.
Then we start doing tequila shots. Today at work, somebody told me they were doubles.
And drinking beer. We were sandwich dancing on the dance floor and I ticked off my coworker’s (girl)friend. We were having harmless fun and things escalated a bit when we got back to the place we were originally hanging out. The whole thing resulted in a question: were you making out with my girlfriend in the bathroom?
Ridiculous.
I passed out only to wake up and puke on my coworker’s bathroom floor. I went home at 7 am. She had to clean it up during her break. I thought I was being neat about the whole thing.
Moral of the story? Stay the fuck away from moonshine and tequila shots. And don’t mess with another chick’s girl. Even if it is wanted. Shit, it just gets you into trouble.

The ex

September 19th, 2006 | Liz Gold

No, not the present ex.
I’m in Brooklyn and can’t sleep. I just came from Moe’s in Fort Greene, a little neighborhood bar in Brooklyn. I met up with an ex of mine from Austin, Texas. The shit was real. And very platonic. I could see why i was attracted to her, her dimples, the way she grabs the mic unbashingly for karaoke (numerous times…in a rotation actually). But the shit was clean. She’s doing well, working for a non-profit youth organization painting public space. Got rid of her dreds. Offered to help me in any way she can. We ate hamburgers and drank beers and free shots from a bartender named Butch.
It wasn’t a bad reunion. Considering it had been three years. Okay, maybe there were a few moments.
But I did get hit on by a guy (named karaoke).
And he wasn’t fucking bad looking. would I want to roll around with him? naked? That’s debatable.
He invited me to an art show in the city on Thursday night. I already have plans, but you know, anything is possible.
But this is my latest mantra: no more entanglements. I pledge to be free. Solitude is my friend. It’s torture and every minute of the day I think about what could be different. But all I can do is trust the process and pray it gets easier.

Jacked.

September 16th, 2006 | Liz Gold

So this is the thing. I am fucking wired. Jacked. Can’t sleep. Tomorrow a plane ride to NYC for a five day bender with the intent of finding a job. Who knows what vibe I’ll pick up. Just got home from my last sushi shift for more than a week. Apparently, I’m on vacation. What the hell, I’ll take it. G-d knows I need one. Not like NY is going to be a vacation, because that’s not my mind frame around it. It’s all about pounding the pavement in like a chill way. I’m ready for an exodus out of Portland.
White wine tonight after my tables left. Big parties tonight and drinkers. Not bad for the wallet. Can’t complain about the servitude. I already have a task from my bosses to scout out a sushi joint in the city and grab their menu. It’s cool, I don’t mind.
I have not been myself for a while. Just left of center. Unable to find my balance. It’s a scary place to be. Realizations sometimes suck. I can see why ignorance can be bliss. Because once you are conscious of something, there is no turning back. Unfortunately, I can’t play the game because I get physically ill when something’s not right. It probably doesn’t help that I have the emotional maturity of a 16 year old. Yeah that’s right. when it comes to mergence with another being, I may as well be an open wound that just needs to bleed until it dries out. Gross, I know, but sadly, true.
I will admit that I have been hard on myself. And that honestly, there’s nothing wrong with me. That was a relieving revelation to come across. it’s like, I’m a journalist. we go on nothing but gut and instinct and our own thinking. If i can’t trust the information that comes to me, what the hell am i living for? What the hell am I doing? I might not have the answers now, but i need to trust the process.
So NY. tomorrow. we’ll see.