Writing, success and growing pains

I had too much coffee at The Lunchbox today and now I am paying for it.

I’m trying to decide if I like writing or not.

Sort of interesting since it’s how I make my living, aside from the cash I make at the restaurant (which has been very important BTW to my livelihood in the last year) …… but I’m not so into it. I don’t mind free-writing blogging like this [when I do it], but when it comes to client work, I find my words are bland and my interest waning. In a major way.

Have you ever reassessed everything, I mean everything in your life? I’ve been letting go of absolutes because the absolutes haven’t exactly been working.

What do I mean?

All my life I thought I needed to be in New York and be a successful writer. In some ways I have made that happen, of course it depends on how you think of success. Have I been supporting myself? Yes. Do I currently have health insurance and the ability to invest in mutual funds? No.

How I measure success is changing because of how I was conditioned to see it. When the things you think are supposed to make you successful don’t happen or happen differently or happen on a nonlinear timeline, you have to expand your perspective. I’ve had to expand my perspective. Like, would a lot of people see how to self-advocate better, or how to navigate conflict with another person as successful? Depends who you talk to.

I guess this is what they mean when they [you know, people] say success and contentment come from within, not from the out. I’m just now really absorbing that and trying that on.

I feel my life changing. I see it in how I respond to things that used to fulfill me that no longer fulfill me. I see it in my resistance [which sometimes can be about the lazy and sometimes can be about the heart just not into something], I see it in my energy level and basic vitality.

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OK I feel like I’m writing in circles here. I’m leaving New York for the summer which is a big deal for me. A lot of things I said I would never do are happening [uh never say never] … like moving to Portland aka Oregon [I'm doing it for three months, not permanently] without having my own apartment to come back to. Is it risky? Yes. Do I feel scared? Yes. Is it necessary? I do believe it is.

I need a change of perspective and I know going out to Portland and spending some much needed extended time with V will give that to me. I know leaving the craziness and hustle of New York, the rabid energy, the expectation, the family history, all of it, is necessary right now. So many things are tied into this geographic location and I need a shift, a change, some time to appreciate what I do have here, which is a lot …

Aside from my friends, what I will miss most is my karate school. This month I celebrate my two year anniversary there and these two years freelancing and launching a business have not been the easiest for me. I have a hard time asking for help [a lot of times I don't actually know what I need] and I admittedly started my business reactively because I was facing a lot of sexism, homophobia and transphobia in my corporate job. I feel grateful and lucky that I have sustained myself so long on what I have been earning, but I can’t do it any longer. I don’t want to. I’m making changes so I can determine what direction to move in next. I have to find the joy and magic and an excitement for living again. I haven’t experienced that for a while.

Among the many gifts training in karate has given me is the ability to feel successful and productive even when I am not feeling that way in my working life. There is no perfection in martial arts, just personal best, because every day is different. I have come to realize that success is more than money, more than landing a big client, more than being desired, more than a fancy loft, more than having a lot of friends. For me, it’s allowing myself to be seen, mistakes and all. It’s about commitment and taking myself seriously and my integrity in that, it’s about stopping self-judgment in its tracks, it’s about asking for support when I need it. It’s about self-awareness and following through. It’s about finding community around a shared passion. And it’s about the growth and connection I feel and create in my relationships.

I’m totally crying now!

I am on a mission to reinvent myself. My astrologer [DK Brainard] told me that I am in my Pluto transit early [usually it happens for people in their 40s, I am turning 37 next month] and that means I’m having kind of a midlife crisis. I believe it. I also believe that everything I have done before has led me to this point. A point of not knowing, of suspension, of unwinding my personal story that has had me tangled for so long. I have a lot more to discover and explore.

I am up for the experimentation.

Some guys are just assholes (ode to Lily)

Yesterday I was on my way to karate class (sparring evaluation day, which is another post altogether) and I see this beautiful black long haired dog just standing in the middle of the sidewalk, unleashed. I was getting excited to pet it because it looked friendly but I was also feeling concerned because although there was an obvious collar and tags, the owner seemed to be out of sight.

So I stopped and started petting the dog and looked around. No one. I was on 7th avenue in Park Slope, just around 5:30 or so and it was fairly busy. And here’s this beautiful and somewhat meek dog just standing in the middle of the sidewalk. I couldn’t help thinking, “Have I found my Duncan? Is this dog coming home with me?”

No.

I started getting really concerned that the dog was lost or somehow got separated from her owner so I began to dial the number on the tag. The dog’s name was Lily. Just then a woman came up and was like “Is the dog lost? What’s going on?” I just shrugged and said I couldn’t find her owner. She stood there with me sort of dumbfounded and concerned.

Lily sort of looked like this but not as creepy.

Lily sort of looked like this but not as creepy.

Just then, a middle aged white man comes out of the store and is like, “Thank you” with a smug smile. The dog walked up to her owner like this was some sort of regular thing. And I was just like, “Wow.”

The woman was like, “Lily seems to be smarter than her owner.”

I agreed.

I keep thinking about that dog and her face and her beautiful coat and it’s obvious that she’s well taken care of, but I was angry about the guy’s entitlement and just blaze attitude about letting her stay on the street, unleashed. The smugness of his smile, like this was a normal thing they do, made me scared for her. Call me judgmental but I think that guy is showing asshole behavior.

Something to chew on

You know what’s interesting? I’ve been discovering the ability to do things as an experience and not so much as an outcome. What do I mean by this?

In therapy we talk about the idea of “getting help” and that in this therapy in particular that I practice, it’s about giving, and that by being generous you will gain a new perspective and therefore help yourself. It’s about an experience that is created when you engage with others, and sometimes that can lead you to the answer you are searching for. And then again, maybe not.

I think often it’s easy to assume what issues we need answers to and we think we know what that is supposed to look like. But there’s something about being open to the experience of experiencing it all, of allowing the insight and knowledge to come in another form.

I’m speaking esoterically here I realize but I guess what I’m trying to say is sometimes the problems you think you have are not really your problems. And it’s actually something completely different that has you stuck.

Same existential crisis, different day

That has been my mantra as of late.

I’ve been feeling kind of foggy and depressed lately and while I’ve been trying to get myself out of it, I realize I haven’t been trying that hard.

I feel like I am in this constant flow of negativity and heaviness that is being churned up by my daily activities and the therapeutic routes I have chosen to take.

I’m really ready to drop the load. Here, at this place of what the fuck do I do with my life, is where I want to let the pain and the lack of my past go. I am not there anymore, except when I allow myself to time travel back.

Sometimes I think I should go on anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, anti-life meds of some sort, but I know for me that is not the answer.

These are the things I have been thinking about:

I have been walking around in my favorite ripped old jean jacket with scuffed boots and wonder, is this the style, my style I want to put out into the world. Is this truly me? Now. In the present tense?

Speaking of style, Typically I buy a lot of crap that wears out too soon or is ill-fitting. And is cheap because I think that’s all I can afford. I want to shop at new boutiques all of a sudden. I don’t even allow myself the opportunity to go in there and look because of the prices – and because I know I won’t likely be able to afford anything. But is that even the truth?

Why do I feel like I need to exert myself in conversation to make a point? Or take on a righteous edge to make my perspective known or get people to listen to me? Could it be because I come from a family that talks over each other yet doesn’t hear what we are saying? Could it be because when I have spoken my truth historically in my family of origin I was called “mouth” or “too sensitive” [when advocating for myself] or my favorite “I can’t take a joke.” Who’s reality is this? It’s certainly not mine anymore.

I have not been exercising as much as late, and while karate demands a lot of my time and energy, it is not a high impact cardio workout that I need on a regular basis. The gym costs money and I don’t want an added monthly commitment but what else can I do to create some new sweat and change of chi in my world?

Why am I afraid to just sit here and write and press publish or send? What am I afraid of? This writing is like my eating… I’m afraid if I start writing I’ll offend people or not like what I write [lie, I'm always amused by what I write] and my parents will hate me, or if I start eating cupcakes I will never stop and gain 100 pounds. But would that really happen? Why am I afraid of myself and what I desire?

It’s a good question to ask again. Why am I afraid of myself? Why don’t I trust myself and my hunger and the decisions I make and my feelings [although they are fluid and changing] and my own perspectives? Because I came from a family that was always telling me I am too much and not enough. That my decisions were not the right ones. That the clothes I wore were not acceptable. Yet they looooooooved me. The messages were mixed. There I said it.

And yes well hello, anger. I thought we had resolved this in my first social therapy group. Guess we are going deeper this time. Why is talking with my family feel like a crazy making nightmare? Why is it that even when I am the big girl and apologize [which is the only way I can find peace], I still get poked for my mistake? I grew up with bullies, that’s why. Yeah, I’ve been loved, I know that. My basic needs were met. And they did the best they could. I do know that’s true. But I wasn’t nourished and/or respected for me. I was always wrong, different, an outsider. This is why loving and being loved in the present day has been such a struggle. And it’s also why I can’t stop eating long enough to feel my feelings full on and experience my hunger. Listening to myself is painful and I always think there will be repercussions …

Why am I having so much anxiety for my trip to Florida to visit my folks at the end of the month? Oh wait. My folks tear me down [unknowingly] and it’s hard for me to relate to them emotionally and my relatives [who I will be seeing] are consumed by being fit and healthy and like to talk about their money, which they have a lot of. I feel a lot of shame around my business writing not being where I’d like it to be and I’m afraid of the questions they will ask. And I’m afraid of seeing myself without tights boots and sweaters. I have more pounds on my body these days and while I am trying to be body positive and feel good in my skin, it is a major challenge right now.

Another question is why haven’t I been up to the fucking fifth floor already and ask my neighbor to turn down their television so I don’t have to listen to that Hulu jingle every single time they hunker down for the night? Why don’t I do that?

Then there’s sparring. I was glad to have talked to two of my teachers the other day after class at lunch but wow, it’s bringing a lot of stuff up. For one, I am the least experienced person in the class and I don’t have as many techniques and I don’t know all the rules. But it’s been very telling the feedback I get: “Get in there after you block and punch!” or “You don’t have to be so severe with your blocks, it can be softer, like this.” Oh so, you are telling me that after I block I retreat while I should be engaging and throwing an offensive strike? Oh yeah. That makes sense. And oh wait, you are telling me that I don’t have to be so intense when I am actually blocking, something smaller and more subdued will work just as well and expel less energy? Oh yeah, I get that. Someone get me some water because I seriously am overcooked here.

I want to ask the how did I get here, what the hell did I do in a past life to deserve the baggage I was given, but I will refrain [ha] and just be grateful for the awareness and desire to grow [aka develop in social therapy speak]. Not everybody is graced with that desire and I have always been into and up for evolving. Lucky me. Feels like the more I know, the less I know [stop with the fucking cliches]. Anyway.

I feel like I am a writer. I am not a PR person. I am not a social media person [I want to rid myself of Twitter and my company fB page, not sure why I haven't already]. I’m not a grammar person, I can edit developmentally and know how to get rid of extraneous flourish but I don’t care about dangling participles and what not. I want to fuck with grammar and language and I’m probably not a good match for those who are sticklers. As a writer trying to please clients, I think I’m on the wrong side.

Why am I there?
What can I be doing differently that will make me feel good about getting up in the morning?
What can I do build my self worth?
What is nourishing to me aside from food [and food is not always nourishing, let's be real]
What can I do to feel like I am living my life authentically and THRIVING?
How can I show up and give?
What would make me feel better?

[hey let's write that one again]

What can make me feel better?

Perhaps I should start there.

Holy shit, yes …

OK seriously. I read a lot of horoscopes. I mean, a lot. I’m super into astrology and I enjoy reading them for sheer entertainment value as well. Lately I stopped reading Barry Perlman because his writing is so fucking esoteric and kind of showy. But I read this week’s forecast (up on Sundays) which brought me back to last week’s and holy shit, yes. He names what the hell has been going on. I’ve been in total angst land and this HELPS.

FROM ASTROBARRY: One more time, Taurus, I will emphatically encourage you to surround yourself with the peers and pals who can keep you afloat during those stretches when you aren’t sure which end is up. It is not only that those around you will be significantly affected (either positively or negatively, based upon what you’re putting out there) by your presence in the group’s goings-on… but also that you will likely need to lean on those folks who truly know and understand you, increasingly so, as you gradually enter a strangely disorienting period of time. Soon enough, as a series of planets start landing in your solar 12th one after the other (beginning with Mars early next week), you’ll find yourself in what seems like a virtual freeze-frame (at least insofar as your ability to confidently project yourself forward is concerned)… though, in fact, it’s really a phase of encountering jarring flashbacks from your unpleasant past and/or your feared-but-not-yet-actualized future, during which you must confront just how decidedly you’d like to leave this old garbage behind or whether you’ll continue reenacting these episodes out of rote habit (rather than because they’re authentic reflections of your current incarnation). Be prepared to lose a clear sense of what’s going on, in order to retreat more deeply into this exercise of updating your psychic operating-system. Along the way, it’ll be nice to surround yourself with non-judgmental, truth-telling confidantes who actually get what you’re going through.

Ideas on how to improve life

Dear Self,

You will be OK.

These are some ideas to consider:

Throw everything out you don’t want.
Don’t apologize.
Say sorry when necessary.
Write write write.
Go for walks.
Stretch.
Get away from the computer.
Again, get away from the computer.
Connect with people without giving yourself away.
Share about what’s going on for you in sparring.
Write everyday. You can do it.
Get quiet.
Rearrange your space.
Visualize what you want to manifest in your life.
Don’t take things too personally.
Cultivate a sense of humor.
Be grown up.
Don’t take everything so seriously but be serious.
Listen to what your body says. Religiously.
Speak your truth with candor and compassion.
Learn how to be kind, not placating.
Buy some new jeans.
Show your body.
Look people in their eyes.
Defy your history and troublesome past.
Be vulnerable.
Be grateful.
Don’t fight your feelings.
Show yourself more.
Discover what you really want to do.
Stop being so corporate like
Be weird.
Draw attention to yourself.
Ask questions.
Don’t accept rudeness.
Work with people you want to work with.
Learn how to cook.
Learn how to be generous in a way that doesn’t involve money.
Figure out your anger.
Do something with your grief.
Allow your feelings without judgment.
Again, allow your feelings without judgment. They will pass.
Take your time.
Figure out what nourishment means to you.
Find a new template for your blog. (yes again)
Be happy with your body.
Be OK with making mistakes.
Welcome failure and don’t take it personally.
Construct boundaries and stick with them. Tell people what’s up when they cross them.
Enjoy yourself.
Learn how to play.
Get out of the city.
Be in nature.
Be active, move.
Read more books of fiction.
Give your brain a break.
Drink less alcohol.
Learn what real intimacy looks like.
Enjoy connection in all its shapes and forms.
Buy things from places and artists you respect.
Buy things for full price. You deserve it. You do.
You need to write everyday.
You need to move your body.
You need to eat when you are hungry and eat what you want.
Let things go that no longer serve you.
Follow your feelings but don’t give into them.
Wear clothes that make you feel good.
Listen to music.
Show V how much you love and appreciate him.
Don’t get discouraged.
Allow yourself to take breaks, mental & physical breaks.
Make space for meditation.
Get rid of shit you don’t need anymore.
Repurpose things you want to keep.
Get out of your social circle.
Meet new people.
Be open.

It’s gonna be OK.

15 Minutes with Patricia Racette

Patricia Racette was a good sport when my date unknowingly blocked her way to the stage during her Jan. 27 show at 54 Below. We were nestled in on the side, to the back of the piano (which actually made for a great view once my date turned their chair around), but what we did not know was that our seats were in direct route to the microphone.

Of course I had to bring that up to Racette, who flashed us a gracious smile before getting up on stage, when we got on the phone. She laughed and said, “Oh that was you!?” It was then I learned her entrance was timed and she just barely made it to the mic on the beat.

She did, however, and once she was there it was obvious she loves what she does. Her black, sequined flowered chiffon robe was fabulous, and she immediately started talking with the crowd. Performing her breakout cabaret album, “Diva on Detour,” she kicked off her set with “I got Rhythm/Get Happy” (George Gershwin/Ira Gershwin & Harold Arlen & Ted Koehler) and then worked her way to “Here’s that Rainy Day” (Jimmy Van Heusen/Johnny Burke) which she admitted to the audience was what she sings in the shower.

Racette also said she loves singing sad songs and listening to the lyrics of one particular piece, “You’ve Changed,” (Clarie Fischer) prompted me to write “depressing” in the notes I was scribbling on the set list. Elton John was right, sad songs do say so much.

Honoring her French-Canadian heritage, Racette performed four songs in that tongue. “You could say the French language has been chasing me all my life,” she told the crowd. It was during a French medley ending with La Vie En Rose (Edith Piaf/Marguerite Monnot & Louis Guglielmi) that we were able to experience a taste of her operatic flavor. The audience loved it and she said, “You all like the French stuff, eh? Me too!”

Patricia Racette during her show “Diva on Detour.”

Operatically, Racette is a soprano and has appeared in some of the most famous opera houses in the world including the Metropolitan Opera, San Francisco Opera, Lyric Opera of Chicago and Paris Opera. If you missed her in January, don’t worry- she’ll be back at 54 Below in Midtown March 26-28 to perform from her “Diva on Detour” album.

I highly recommend the show if you are looking for an intimate date night and to get out of your regular dinner, drinks and party routine. There’s something romantic about being in a night club, with just a singer and pianist on stage sharing a table with strangers.

Here Racette talks about preparing for a show, her favorite role and coming out (her wife is mezzo soprano singer Beth Clayton).

What inspired you to record your first breakout cabaret album? And how did you decide on its name?
This is coming full circle for me, it’s something I started out doing. Then I was introduced to and pursued my operatic career. It’s something I’ve always loved and always known how to do; it’s really a matter of returning to it. In 2004, I was invited to do a little slot in a concert in Santa Fe [where she and Clayton have a home] and they said do something different, not operatically, and I thought, ‘oh great, I will do some jazz songs or some cabaret songs.’ We agreed what those songs would be and it took off from there.

I’m not one to be in a recording studio and I told them that when GPR [the producers] approached me. They said, ‘Let’s turn the studio into a live studio.’ We recorded it in front of a live audience. Beth has coined the phrase, ‘I thrive on live,’ I really love the energy of the audience as being part of the performance. When they told me we could do this and have the audience to record and get what we needed, I thought it was great. In terms of ‘Diva on Detour,’ Beth and I were talking about what I should call this and it just seemed so completely accurate and appropriate to call it that.

How much do you actually collaborate with Beth?
We were lamenting when the CD notebook came out because Craig Terry, my pianist, did in fact arrange a couple of the songs but he only arranged one song himself. Everything else has been a collaboration. Quite honestly Beth has been a part of that collaboration, obviously I have, and from time to time Craig’s husband, Hugh Russell, has also been a contributor. I’ve read in print that Craig has been called music director which is not entirely accurate because some of these songs in fact are medleys that I’ve done before I even met Craig. I musically direct it with assistance mostly from Craig and also from Beth and occasionally from Hugh.

How do you decide on the order of the set list? Does that happen right when you get on stage or does it depend on the night?
It’s rather spontaneous and what’s interesting about doing these live shows is that you can play around with that order and see how it resonates with the audience. It’s very interesting for us to see that.

Do you have a ritual before you go on stage?
It’s sort of the same for opera. I keep calm. I keep focused all day, keep somewhat quiet and I do a really good warm up. For the cabaret, I look at all my music, I look at my note cards for the chatter and the patter and I just keep my memory very, very fresh.

Do you ever have performance anxiety?
I think it would be very untrue if any performer said they didn’t. I do. If anything the anxiety is before, once I’m up there I feel like I’m home.

It seems like you embody the emotions of the songs you perform and are able to create a really intimate experience.
This is the treat of doing music of this genre, you can really be intimate and tell these very subtle stories as opposed to the opera, which is usually such a grand event, if only through the number of participants that it takes to make that event happen. So it’s a nice change for me as a performer and as an artist.

With Pianist Craig Terry

Do you have a favorite role?
I think Tosca is my favorite at the moment. I love the character; Musically, vocally it fits me like a glove and I like the female she is. So often in opera – let’s just put it this way – you don’t find the most feminist of creatures in your leading ladies. It’s just great to portray a character that takes fate into their own hands. That’s fun to realize dramatically.

You did an “It Gets Better” video filmed at the Metropolitan Opera with Beth. What was that experience like for you? What sort of feedback did you receive?

It was really neat. I was hosting one of the HD broadcasts at the Met and they filmed it in the hallway. Beth was with me so we had the opportunity to do that together. It was a privilege and an honor to do that – to be able to have our sentiments and thoughts on the subject known and also appear as we are- which is out and proud.

In that video you talked about how you came out in 2002 in print and you said it was scary for a moment. You said the price wasn’t worth paying to not be true to yourself and your relationship. What article are you referring to and was it something you planned?
The article was for our trade magazine, Opera News, and it was my first time on the cover and they were doing a feature on my career. At that point they didn’t know I was planning on coming out in print. Beth and I discussed that it was time to answer those questions not just specifically and honestly but with the celebration of what we actually feel about our life together. To dodge the question and act ashamed didn’t match what we really think and feel. Also, for me to not be an honest person or not be myself 100 percent, I felt that my art, my artistic voice, would suffer.

How did it change for you?
I was scared for a little bit. You have to work so very, very hard to succeed in this profession. I had achieved much and wanted to achieve more still and I didn’t know if this was going to be a great impediment to doing so. I was scared that the bigotry was going to ruin what I had achieved and not allow me to do more. But honestly I have not seen any evidence of that.

Where in New Hampshire did you grow up? How did you end up in Texas for college?
A town called Bedford. And, there was a great jazz school in Texas. I still ended up in opera, kicking and screaming. I wanted to do jazz and cabaret but it became very clear early on that my abilities at that time were certainly best led to the operatic genre. I had voice lessons every week and I was obligated to learn repertoire and quite honestly it came very naturally to me. It sort of took on a life of its own and took me along with it.

What do you do to unwind after a show?
It varies, sometimes I’ll go out with friends. I go home and I might have a little bite to eat but literally I just sit there. Maybe take a hot bath. Sometimes we’ll go out to a party – but it depends how busy you are and what you have going on. You have to be very guarded about staying healthy and keeping your energy up to the best because it’s an enormous amount of energy being a performer.

What’s next for you?
I am doing Manon Lescaut at the Washington National Opera, and then I come back and do the shows for ‘Diva on Detour’ in March, which I’m very excited about. Then we go back to Santa Fe and check on things. We come back here [to NYC] to the Metropolitan Opera to do Les Dialogues des Carmelites, opening May 4.

Catch Patricia Racette at 54 Below on March 26, 29 & 30 at 8:30PM and on March 27 & 28 at 7PM. 54 Below, “Broadway’s Nightclub,” is located at 254 West 54th Street in Manhattan.