I had too much coffee at The Lunchbox today and now I am paying for it.
I’m trying to decide if I like writing or not.
Sort of interesting since it’s how I make my living, aside from the cash I make at the restaurant (which has been very important BTW to my livelihood in the last year) …… but I’m not so into it. I don’t mind
free-writing blogging like this [when I do it], but when it comes to client work, I find my words are bland and my interest waning. In a major way.
Have you ever reassessed everything, I mean everything in your life? I’ve been letting go of absolutes because the absolutes haven’t exactly been working.
What do I mean?
All my life I thought I needed to be in New York and be a successful writer. In some ways I have made that happen, of course it depends on how you think of success. Have I been supporting myself? Yes. Do I currently have health insurance and the ability to invest in mutual funds? No.
How I measure success is changing because of how I was conditioned to see it. When the things you think are supposed to make you successful don’t happen or happen differently or happen on a nonlinear timeline, you have to expand your perspective. I’ve had to expand my perspective. Like, would a lot of people see how to self-advocate better, or how to navigate conflict with another person as successful? Depends who you talk to.
I guess this is what they mean when they [you know, people] say success and contentment come from within, not from the out. I’m just now really absorbing that and trying that on.
I feel my life changing. I see it in how I respond to things that used to fulfill me that no longer fulfill me. I see it in my resistance [which sometimes can be about the lazy and sometimes can be about the heart just not into something], I see it in my energy level and basic vitality.
OK I feel like I’m writing in circles here. I’m leaving New York for the summer which is a big deal for me. A lot of things I said I would never do are happening [uh never say never] … like moving to Portland aka Oregon [I'm doing it for three months, not permanently] without having my own apartment to come back to. Is it risky? Yes. Do I feel scared? Yes. Is it necessary? I do believe it is.
I need a change of perspective and I know going out to Portland and spending some much needed extended time with V will give that to me. I know leaving the craziness and hustle of New York, the rabid energy, the expectation, the family history, all of it, is necessary right now. So many things are tied into this geographic location and I need a shift, a change, some time to appreciate what I do have here, which is a lot …
Aside from my friends, what I will miss most is my karate school. This month I celebrate my two year anniversary there and these two years freelancing and launching a business have not been the easiest for me. I have a hard time asking for help [a lot of times I don't actually know what I need] and I admittedly started my business reactively because I was facing a lot of sexism, homophobia and transphobia in my corporate job. I feel grateful and lucky that I have sustained myself so long on what I have been earning, but I can’t do it any longer. I don’t want to. I’m making changes so I can determine what direction to move in next. I have to find the joy and magic and an excitement for living again. I haven’t experienced that for a while.
Among the many gifts training in karate has given me is the ability to feel successful and productive even when I am not feeling that way in my working life. There is no perfection in martial arts, just personal best, because every day is different. I have come to realize that success is more than money, more than landing a big client, more than being desired, more than a fancy loft, more than having a lot of friends. For me, it’s allowing myself to be seen, mistakes and all. It’s about commitment and taking myself seriously and my integrity in that, it’s about stopping self-judgment in its tracks, it’s about asking for support when I need it. It’s about self-awareness and following through. It’s about finding community around a shared passion. And it’s about the growth and connection I feel and create in my relationships.
I’m totally crying now!
I am on a mission to reinvent myself. My astrologer [DK Brainard] told me that I am in my Pluto transit early [usually it happens for people in their 40s, I am turning 37 next month] and that means I’m having kind of a midlife crisis. I believe it. I also believe that everything I have done before has led me to this point. A point of not knowing, of suspension, of unwinding my personal story that has had me tangled for so long. I have a lot more to discover and explore.
I am up for the experimentation.